tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just gift wrapped bread.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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