i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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