In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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