She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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