Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
