he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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