Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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