can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
