I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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