I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
