I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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