You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
