Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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