Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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