there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
