he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
