I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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