you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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