Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
