woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
