Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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