Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
