..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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