so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
it's like iHOP with fire
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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