I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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