Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
