I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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