I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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