hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
