i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
