too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
