What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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