whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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