nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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