Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
