she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
