apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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