you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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