made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
