Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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