I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize