im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
