If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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