So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've blown a few things in my day
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
