Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
