Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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