New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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