fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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