My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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