Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
