Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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