life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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