you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
