Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
