help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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