i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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