either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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