i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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