I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ruined the universe
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
